How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My sex drive has a dui
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.