How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
You Might Also Like
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
huge if true: the moon
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy