Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.