How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The big book of baby names but for safe words
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!