@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
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@juliussharpe: Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.
@LostCatDog: If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.
@ABurgerADay: [tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it