@weinerdog4life: How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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@WilliamRodgers: Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon? Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water
@ibid78: Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You're now the restaurant.
@NoogsCorner: Cop: Have you been drinking sir? Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please. Cop: Step out of the vehicle. Me: Sprite.