@weinerdog4life: How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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@ClaytonSykes: Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
@gobmentcheese: The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
@badbanana: I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home.