How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.