How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The Backseat Boys
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
We all have our pet causes.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*