How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”