My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
This came to me in a dream.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire