That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.