How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
#inspiration #foodforthought