The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.