What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life