I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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Never be a pizza!
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.