DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“and how does that make you feel?”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.