I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
early stone age tool
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift