My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I don’t think my car can fly
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
With this onion ring, I thee fed
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it