I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
This is a whole mood;
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
an airline just for babies.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.