How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Dolls on drugs
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.