A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You Might Also Like
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
saving face 👀