How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.