@thetigersez: How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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@Parentpains: It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.
@TheMichaelRock: Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker.
@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: gimme a double BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar] ME: no I meant a double Scotch BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]