@Breadery: How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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@FrogAvalanche: *live news report - You survived a fall of thousands of feet... - Yes. - Parachute failed? - Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
@SortaBad: My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
@bridger_w: When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
@Reverend_Scott: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.