@Breadery: How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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@djdarrellripley: Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...
@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
@spookperson: coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I'm rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
@Underchilde: My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.