How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.