How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Haha good job!!
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.