I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
It was worth a shot 😂
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.