Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
You Might Also Like
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum