Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Hey I worked for it too!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.