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@i_noted: How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
@ClamDive: Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says "Previously on wasted potential..."
@ImSarahobo: Me:Did you have a ruff day?
Me:What? That was funny!
Me:Do you not like puns?
Me:I think I'm high.
Dog:Did you smoke my weed?
@tastefactory: LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that's no problem
@chelliet22: "I found my charger!!"
- a love story
@Parentpains: Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.