How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Thinking about Jeff
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.