Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Rooting for the overdog
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point