People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A great tip. #CakeRex
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
When you’re here for the treats.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life