How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
#oldknees
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple