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I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”