How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.