“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh