@kellyoxford: How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
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@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
@trims_the_fat: I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. "Making breakfast. ;)" "Walking the dog. ;)" "Broke in to your house ;)"
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I’m sick, not dead.