Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
You Might Also Like
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog