After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Nice try, poison.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.