Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.