how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history