@ElgatoEsmio: how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
@PeaceInTruth1: *calls lost & found* Me: Have you seen my patience? L&F: Hold on a second. Me: *click*
@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
@Donnie_Fairburn: Women say they like a man in uniform but I've been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet :(