@KalvinMacleod: How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?
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@TheCiscoKidder: My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it's somebody's birthday on FB that I didn't like.
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@3sunzzz: In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
@notacroc: Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda