@KalvinMacleod: How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?
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@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
@sofarrsogud: KID:Dad what's the difference between a gerbil and a rat DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
@kaz474: Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.