Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle