How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.