How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
You’ll be OK
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.