EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
You Might Also Like
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I cannot call her anything else now
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
work smarter, not harder
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.