shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.