Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.