“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.