@birbigs: How do you milk an almond?
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@dulcetry: One time I saw a biker's funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
@AndyAsAdjective: The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
@Di0nysus7: He asked what I like in bed so I was honest: 1. My dog 2. iPhone 3. Blankets fresh from the dryer 4. Take out