How do you milk an almond?
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids