Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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A short story about romance.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.