How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
You Might Also Like
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…