How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
finally
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two